Like syphilis, Ron Paul is the gift that manages to keep on giving.  Months after the fevered illusions of a “Ron Paul revolution” capturing the White House have faded among even the most wild-eyed of his supporters (and wild eyes seem to vastly outnumber sober ones there), the great “Dr. Paul” still keeps finding ways to insert his rants into the election season process.  The latest comes in the form of a statement to the National Press Club, faithfully passed on by his relentless internet legions.

The codes in the formulaic Ron Paul stump format have now been repeated often enough that they can be easily broken down and translated for the amusement of fans of the peculiar brand of unintentionally comedic political self-parody that is the Ron Paul political (bowel) movement:

The coverage of the presidential election is designed to be a grand distraction. This is not new, but this year, it’s more so than ever.

Translation: Who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?  (Dammit.  Grand Distraction was supposed to be capitalized.  Damn copy editor.)

Pretending that a true difference exists between the two major candidates is a charade of great proportion. Many who help to perpetuate this myth are frequently unaware of what they are doing and believe that significant differences actually do exist. Indeed, on small points there is the appearance of a difference. The real issues, however, are buried in a barrage of miscellaneous nonsense and endless pontifications by robotic pundits hired to perpetuate the myth of a campaign of substance.

Translation:  Anyone who disagrees with me is either stupid or is part of The Conspiracy!  They are out there!  The Truth Is Out There!

 The truth is that our two-party system offers no real choice. The real goal of the campaign is to distract people from considering the real issues.

Translation:  THEY are tricking you.  THEY are in your minds, controlling your thoughts!

Influential forces, the media, the government, the privileged corporations and moneyed interests see to it that both party’s candidates are acceptable, regardless of the outcome, since they will still be in charge. It’s been that way for a long time. George Wallace was not the first to recognize that there’s “not a dime’s worth of difference” between the two parties. There is, though, a difference between the two major candidates and the candidates on third-party tickets and those running as independents.

Translation: It’s a conspiracy!  A conspiracy, I tell you!  Of Jooooz!  You know it’s true because a famous racist segregationist said so!

The two parties and their candidates have no real disagreements on foreign policy, monetary policy, privacy issues, or the welfare state. They both are willing to abuse the Rule of Law and ignore constitutional restraint on Executive Powers. Neither major party champions free markets and private-property ownership.

Translation:  Remember — it is They who are the Dictators.  Wake up, Sheeple!  Everything you think is Legal really isn’t!  You can trust me!  As an obstetrician, I know Constitutional law better than those corrupt fools on the Supreme Court!  I also have the expertise to know that the rule for capitalization of words is “any word that is important is capitalized”!  (Damn, forgot to capitalize “constitutional”, though.  Better fire the copy editor.  Better yet, turn him over to the Illuminati.  They have ways of dealing with people like him.)

 Those candidates who represent actual change or disagreement with the status quo are held in check by the two major parties in power, making it very difficult to compete in the pretend democratic process. This is done by making it difficult for third-party candidates to get on the ballots, enter into the debates, raise money, avoid being marginalized, or get fair or actual coverage. A rare celebrity or a wealthy individual can, to a degree, overcome these difficulties.

Translation: Yes, I only won 4% of the votes in the primaries of one party, but I should be invited to the debate!  If it doesn’t happen, it must be a Conspiracy!!!  There is simply no way that someone as Honest, True, and Constitutionally Pure as me could ever just not be supported!  (And I had to do something to explain away Ross Perot, right?)

The system we have today allows a President to be elected by as little as 32% of the American people, with half of those merely voting for the “lesser of two evils”. Therefore, as little as 16% actually vote for a president. No wonder when things go wrong, anger explodes. A recent poll shows that 60% of the American people are not happy with the two major candidates this year.

Translation:  Let’s see.  4% of 16% is….um, ok: about 3/10 of 1%.  I should have won!  That proves it!

This system is driven by the conviction that only a major party candidate can win. Voters become convinced that any other vote is a “wasted” vote. It’s time for that conclusion to be challenged and to recognize that the only way not to waste one’s vote is to reject the two establishment candidates and join the majority, once called silent, and allow the voices of the people to be heard.

Translation: No!  I did NOT rip off the “Silent Majority” bit from Richard Nixon!  Shut up! Stop spying on my Brainwaves!

 We cannot expect withdrawal of troops from Iraq or the Middle East with either of the two major candidates. Expect continued involvement in Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Georgia. Neither hints of a non-interventionist foreign policy. Do not expect to hear the rejection of the policy of supporting the American world empire. There will be no emphasis in protecting privacy and civil liberties and the constant surveillance of the American people. Do not expect any serious attempt to curtail the rapidly expanding national debt. And certainly, there will be no hint of addressing the Federal Reserve System and its cozy relationship with big banks and international corporations and the politicians.

Translation:  Its Da Jooooz, I tell you!  And the Bilderbergs!

 There is only one way that these issues can get the attention they deserve: the silent majority must become the vocal majority.

Translation:  No, I said it was NOT Richard Nixon!  Did the Illuminati send you to harass me?

This message can be sent to our leaders by not participating in the Great Distraction—the quadrennial campaign and election of an American President without a choice. Just think of how much of an edge a Vice President has in this process, and he or she is picked by a single person—the party’s nominee. This was never intended by the Constitution.

Translation: (Ah. The new copy editor is much better — still capitalizing the important words and “Constitution” too.  Good.)  Why didn’t someone pick me for Vice-President!  I’m much better!  The Constitution intended it, honest!  (Good.  Got that Great Distraction right this time…..NO.  Wait!  It was supposed to be Grand Distraction!  That’s what it was at the beginning, right?  Damn.  Have to turn the proof-reader over to the Knights Templar, since the Illuminati are busy with the copy editor.)

Since a principled non-voter sends a message, we must count them and recognize the message they are sending as well. The non-voters need to hold their own “election” by starting a “League of Non-voters” and explain their principled reasons for opting out of this charade of the presidential elective process. They just might get a bigger membership than anyone would guess.

Translation:  We already have these uniforms for the League of Non-voters picked out, see!  They have these very nice brown shirts!  Special early release editions will be sent to the most prolific internet spammers!  And think of the power of joining a group of declared non-joiners!  And maybe we can get Matthew Broderick to run the “Election”!!!

Write-in votes should not be discouraged, but the electoral officials must be held accountable and make sure the votes are counted. But one must not be naïve and believe that under today’s circumstances one has a chance of accomplishing much by a write-in campaign.

Translation: I would win a write-in campaign too, but the Conspiracy of Blue-Haired Election Monitors would hide it.   Some of them are Joooz!

The strongest message can be sent by rejecting the two-party system, which in reality is a one-party system with no possible chance for the changes to occur which are necessary to solve our economic and foreign policy problems. This can be accomplished by voting for one of the non-establishment principled candidates—Baldwin, Barr, McKinney, Nader, and possibly others. (listed alphabetically)

Yes, these individuals do have strong philosophic disagreements on various issues, but they all stand for challenging the status quo—those special interest who control our federal government. And because of this, on the big issues of war, civil liberties, deficits, and the Federal Reserve they have much in common. People will waste their vote in voting for the lesser of two evils. That can’t be stopped overnight, but for us to have an impact we must maximize the total votes of those rejecting the two major candidates.

Translation: Some are far left, some are far-right, but we all are wackos who will fight the Conspiracy, so join us!  (What?  None of them have demanded the abolition of the Federal Reserve?  Just me?  Get away from me!  Did the Illminati hire you to confuse me with your confusing talk about “facts” and “reality”????)

For me, though, my advice—for what it’s worth—is to vote! Reject the two candidates who demand perpetuation of the status quo and pick one of the alternatives that you have the greatest affinity to, based on the other issues.

A huge vote for those running on principle will be a lot more valuable by sending a message that we’ve had enough and want real change than wasting one’s vote on a supposed lesser of two evils.

Translation:  Never vote for the lesser of evils!  Vote for the Greater Evil!  Cthulhu for my Vice-President!!!!!!!!!!!!