Clinton Campaign Calls on McCain to Withdraw
(In the spirit of The Onion)
Building on her claim that Obama’s nomination prospects are doomed in spite of his substantial lead in delegates and his control of key party committees, the Clinton campaign has now called upon John McCain to withdraw from the race. “Senator McCain has run an honorable campaign, but now it is time for him to bow to the inevitable,” said a fund-raising coordinator for the campaign. “We’ve already shown that we can overcome mathematics. McCain’s candidacy is over.”
Other Clinton campaign officials refuted claims from the Obama campaign that Clinton would not even be the nominee by pointing to more important metrics than the delegate count. “Counting delegates is an anachronism,” posited a key campaign strategist. “We are much more interested in the new polling results from animal shelters in southern Kentucky which show our campaign is surging.”
But the key message for today was highlighting the overwhelming breadth of Clinton’s support. “Senator Clinton knows that she speaks for the American people,” argued a high Clinton campaign official. “She also speaks for Botswanans, Mongolians, and more than a few Venusians. We have even sent delegations to receive endorsements from Alpha Centauri.”
The McCain campaign had no comment on Clinton’s demand. The Clinton campaign struck back immediately. “The response from Senator McCain constitutes a dishonorable and sexist attack on a great American leader,” read a press statement issued before the McCain campaign had even been contacted. “Our drive to the White House will continue unimpeded by trifling matters like delegate counts and elections. Senator McCain needs to wake up. This time is ours, just you wait and see. We will win! We will win! Is this thing on?”
ahh other folks comedy.
…. the only thing that makes Clinton sound good.
We need about 100,000 Americans to go before a judge and publicly declare
that their middle names are their legal names for all public purposes.
And they should also declare themselves as supporters of the Hussein
for Imam–whoops I mean president coalition. Hussein will be the
first Muslim president. Free Burkhas for everybody! Hussein’s first
act will be to replace the flag with the red crescent. Hussein has
always hated that other flag with every fiber of his being. Which is
why he won’t pledge to it and won’t wear a flag lapel pin. But Hussein
will proudly salute a flag representative of a non European religion!
When Hussein takes office every child will be required to attend a
Madras just as Hussein did when he was a child. It is so good to be
able to use a candidate’s middle name and talk about his formative
years and his education. Because if you couldn’t that would mean
that the candidate is ashamed of what he was and what he has become.
Welcome to a pork free world with no ham or pizza. You must not offer a pork chop
to Hussein. You must not put pork grease on your hands or your money
and certainly not hallowed ground. No pork anywhere!
Alice Jones, tinfoil hat wearing saucer nut recently came out of the closet and
revealed that she is a radical Muslim and a supporter of Hussein for
for president. Alice, who had previously grown famous for taking Klan money
for bringing up black people exclusively in conjunction with disease, violence,
and/or poverty, surprised everyone by endorsing a black candidate for president.
—coming to you from under the straight talk express.
****Hussein ‘08 !!!*****