Money! Bombs! Jesus! Perfection!
Filed under: Christian Conservatives, Cosnervatives, Neoconservatives, Republican Party — Michael Reynolds on February 6, 2008 @ 11:13 pm CET
As discussed here and here, the Republican Party consists of three wings.
First, there’s the Money! wing, whose guiding principal is: “Money. More.” Then the Bombs! wing, whose guiding principal is, “Grrrr! Rrrowf! Rrrowf!.” And finally the Jesus! wing which believes God made gays on the seventh day at a wild post-creation party. (During which God did several things even He can’t remember. And woe unto he who remindeth Him.)
We are down to three Republican candidates, and each is not only a representative of one wing of the party, but the mathematically precise representative of that wing. Each of the three is the perfect embodiment, the distilled essence, of his wing of the GOP. Quite frankly, it’s eerie.
Mitt (the flip) Romney isn’t just a water-carrier for the Money! wing, he’s a nine-figure guy himself. Rich? Oh, yeah. And his main claim to fame? That he’s rich. Major accomplishment? Richness. Campaign platform? “Hey, I’m rich. Let a rich guy run things.”
But Mitt goes beyond mere richness, to embody the spirit of every money-lover who ever said, “I will say whatever it takes, do whatever it takes to get what I want.” In other words, he’s not just rich, he’s utterly ruthless and, as far as anyone can tell, devoid of moral center.
Now that, my friends, is the zero-impurities, 200 proof, essence of the Money! wing.
As for Bombs! Republicans, no fiction writer would dare to invent a character so perfectly suited for the role as John McCain. The man doesn’t just support Bombs! He actually dropped them.
He’s a naval aviator. A solid gold, honest-to-God hero. A man among men. The concepts of honor, duty, country aren’t something he puts on, the way Mitt Romney dresses up in his pro-life camouflage, these are things that go all the way down to John McCain’s DNA. You look at a John McCain chromosome under the electron microscope and you know what you see? John Wayne in a cowboy hat.
McCain was trashing Don Rumsfeld when no one (well, except me) was trashing him. McCain was surging when Bush was still staying the course. And when it comes to fitting the role to emotional perfection, what could be better than McCain’s cranky, teeth-gritting, I’d-punch-you-in-the-face-if-my-arms-hadn’t-been-broken-during-my-five-years-of-torture-you-punk, take no bull, never back down personality? McCain is Bombs!
Finally, what overly-literal casting director would have sent Mike Huckabee to be the candidate of the Jesus! wing? The Governor-Pastor doesn’t just believe in God, and the major highlights of the Bible. He believes the craziest stuff in the Bible. He believes the stuff that makes six year-old Sunday school kids go, “Nah.”
He believes Mary was a virgin, Lazarus was dead, and the Jews couldn’t find their way out of Gaza for forty years. He believes a fish swallowed Jonah and Joshua fit’ the battle of Jericho, Jericho, Jericho, and the walls came a tumblin’ down. The man believes that a nice Tyrannosaurus couple climbed onto Noah’s ark, took a cruise, and then disembarked carrying their souvenir photographs and a handbag they picked up in Cancun.
And could he be any more perfect, with his quick wit and his ready smile and his goofy plans? He’s the perfect door-to-door, Bible-salesman huckster, right down to his ya-gotta-be-kidding-me name.
Most election years you get a candidate who represents Money! and one for Bombs! and one for Jesus! And in the end, the GOP weights their selection, with Money! naturally carrying the most weight, while Jesus! gets lip service and one chance to embarrass the country before all of western civilization. But this year there is no compromise. No synthesis. No candidate who represents anything other than his own wing.
The only uniting factor this year is that Bombs! and Jesus! really, really despise Money!
Bombs! and Jesus! united in a burning hatred of Money! Wow. I don’t know who wrote this script, but I have to say, as a Democrat, I’m liking it.
1 redfish
February 6, 2008 @ 11:46 pm CETActually there are a lot more ways to divide factions in the party.
paleoconservative vs neoconservative
blue dog vs wall street
deficit hawk vs supply side
libertarian vs centrist
As well, there are also major divisions in the democratic party…
union supporters vs hispanic voter
gay voter vs black voter and hispanic voter
labor democrat vs neoliberal
pacifist vs interventionist
socialist vs centrist
2 redfish
February 6, 2008 @ 11:48 pm CETbtw, its along these lines, not just racial lines that the Hillary vs Obama race is dividing on.
Wealthy voters like Obama. Labor voters like Hillary
for instance
3 C Stanley
February 7, 2008 @ 1:36 am CETEven eerier, my thoughts when I looked at my states GOP results last night mirrored this column almost exactly (OK, your wording is funnier.) But I saw a nearly exact three way split and immediately thought of how "Bombs, Money, and Jesus" were becoming manifest as a perfect trinity!
Redfish, your comments are true but if you go with it, it’s humorous this way.
4 redfish
February 7, 2008 @ 1:52 am CETcstanley,
youre right its eerie , and even though there are different divisions these 3 categories represent some basic divisions. its just as fun though thinking about what it means for the democratic race to be women vs blacks.. women and blacks actually are the fault lines for big divisions in the party. remember women are more likely to support gay issues than blacks, thats one issue. the democratic party is grappling with its coalition also, based on appealing to minorities.
5 abrisaham
February 7, 2008 @ 1:53 am CETLast night Michael Reagan said after he heard Hillarys speech that it sounded Reaganesque. Everyone gasped.
He explained that Hillary has a uniting message. Unless the gop can find a uniting message they are in deep trouble. I did not realize how deeply they are in trouble till I was hearing Michael Reagan say that. Anne Coulter does not make vacant promises, as she promised to fight McCain all the way to the nomination. McCain and Huckabee Ganging up on Romney. Rush Limbaugh endorsing the sinking Mitt Romney and calling out McCain.
There is trouble in the GOP paradise for sure and they can blame it all on GWB.
6 redfish
February 7, 2008 @ 2:00 am CETabrishaham,
yes I was talking with someone who basically felt Hillary was stealing Reagan’s lines. However, McCains speech was a lot less fluff, it was direct and reflected him as a leader. Hillary was a prolonged stump speech. We’ll have to see which style works better.
As i said above, I have a feeling that because the Democrats are dealing with issues in their coalition of minorities, they have a possibility of losing, say, Hispanic votes to McCain because of his stand on immigration. Or, you know, Huckabee is liked by a lot of conservative blacks.
We’ll see..
7 redfish
February 7, 2008 @ 2:09 am CETOR, what if Hillary gets nominated after burning black voters, McCain chooses Condoleezza… we’ll just have to see
8 Josh Curren
February 7, 2008 @ 10:34 pm CETThis is about as stupid as saying that there are three wings of the Democrat Party, The "Kill all the babies" wing. The "rich don’t pay their fair share" wing, and The "let the government raise my kids and pay my bills" wing. Just a little too simplistic, no?
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February 8, 2008 @ 6:25 pm CET[…] Money! Bombs! Jesus! Perfection! First, there’s the Money! wing, whose guiding principal is: “Money. More.” Then the Bombs! wing, whose guiding principal is, “Grrrr! Rrrowf! Rrrowf!.” And finally the Jesus! wing which believes God made gays on the seventh day at a wild … […]