Flatness of Kansas Exceeds Expectations, Confounds Political Analysts
Filed under: Humor, Parody, Science — Humpty Dumpty on November 28, 2007 @ 10:51 pm CET
Using data acquired from the International House of Pancakes, scientists have documented that Kansas is not, in fact, as flat as a pancake. It is, in fact, a great deal flatter.
A team of scientists from Southwest Texas State University and Arizona State University recently published an article in which researchers analyzed the geography both of the state and that of a pancake purchased at International House of Pancakes.
“Simply put, our results show that Kansas is considerably flatter than a pancake,” they wrote.
The results, published in the tongue-in-cheek Annals of Improbable Research, have created a flapjack flap among geologists and others in Kansas.
The revelation has sent tremors through Kansan communities, as defenders of the state sought to spin the findings:
“My guess is you could put Colorado in there, the way they’re calculating it, and it would be flatter than a pancake,” said Lee Allison, director of the Kansas Geological Survey. “I think this is part of a vast breakfast food conspiracy to denigrate Kansas. It’s a cheap shot.”
In comments threads throughout the blogosphere, debate raged over the meaning of this shocking controversy. Conspiracy theorists raised new concerns, however. “What about those mountains they show outside of New Bern, Kansas on [CBS television series] Jericho?” asked Martin MacKenney of Albatross, New York. “I sure can’t wait to see how the [long promised but interminably delayed] second season explains that! Vote Ron Paul!”
Others complained that the research had even been conducted at all. “How can scientists be eating pancakes at IHOP when millions of people are being murdered every day in an illegal imperialist war in Iraq?” lamented Ashleigh Juniper-Kellian of the activist group MoveOver.org. “Any research into flatness should be focusing on Bush’s poll numbers.”
These political implications drew attention from the other side as well. “This research shows the pervasiveness of liberal bias among academics,” complained Seth Pisterson of the Society Against Liberal Activist Professors (SALAP). “They are obviously trying to discredit Kansas because it is a red state with a solid church-going population and fine conservative leaders like Sam Brownback with national political support.”
How future research and debate into the geographical implications of America’s breakfast choices will play out in the upcoming election season remains to be seen, of course. But few question that its impact will exceed that of Mike Gravel.
1 kreiz
November 28, 2007 @ 11:17 pm CETOuch. Now that hurts.
2 Interested
November 28, 2007 @ 11:18 pm CETlmfao
ok that whole bit was funny, and the reactions bit was not very far off from actual reactions you can read on the web.
3 Interested
November 28, 2007 @ 11:22 pm CETYou forgot to put that Jesse Jackson wanted to file a lawsuit as to why the pancake is not as flat in Black neighborhoods as in White neighborhoods.
The ACLU wants to file a lawsuit charging the Pancake with being too religiously open.
Democrats want to hold hearings.
The NCAA wants to make sure that there are no Pancakes with Indian Names.
Hillary wants everyone to know the Pancake likes her.
John Kerry flipped the pancake.
Bill Clinton …..
4 Michael van der Galiën
November 28, 2007 @ 11:24 pm CETLets put it like this: did anyone watch American Pie?
5 Interested
November 28, 2007 @ 11:28 pm CETLMMFAO
6 C Stanley
November 28, 2007 @ 11:30 pm CET“I did. not. have. sexual. relations. with. that. pancake.”
7 Michael van der Galiën
November 28, 2007 @ 11:40 pm CETWhen George W. Bush heard the news, meanwhile, he instantly reacted. “Those who say that Kansas is flatter than a pancake are aiding and abetting the terrorists,” he said. Adding that “science is often wrong, just look at evolution and global warming.”
This instantly resulted in an impassionate response from former VP Al Gore: “Kansas’ flatness is a serious problem. We can’t afford to ignore it any longer.”
Sources told The Gazette’s
Jason SteckHumpty Dumpty that Mr. Gore is already working on a documentary.Former US Ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton said that, if necessary, force should be used to de-flatten Kansas. “If necessary, we should be prepared to use tactical nuclear weapons,” he added.
High ranking military officers told us that they have no idea how nuclear weapons could be used to de-flatten Kansas, but those objections don’t influence Mr. Bolton. “Where there is a will, there is a military strike” he said.
Meanwhile, Bill Clinton continued to do what he does best.
8 Alan
November 28, 2007 @ 11:41 pm CETPerhaps a presidential intern will come forward with a syrup stain on her dress?
9 Interested
November 28, 2007 @ 11:47 pm CETlol
and Michael Moore traveled to China to
meet with more Communistsdiscover what the much misunderstood Chinese Gov’t has done about the problem and plans to make the case that we are conditioned to hate non-flat land.10 Alan
November 28, 2007 @ 11:48 pm CETAren’t we overlooking the serious implications of Global Flattening? Why, if trends continue, just how dangerously flat might the earth become? Why, we might start falling off the edge! And the OCEANS, the OCEANS, they will drain away!
Meanwhile, Mike Huckabee has publicly stated that he absolutely denies the Theory of the Flattening Earth, and believes that public schools should be allowed to teach Round Earthism.
11 Tully
November 28, 2007 @ 11:49 pm CETAnd there are 21 states that are flatter than Kansas. Chew on them pancakes!
12 Tom
November 29, 2007 @ 2:18 am CETI knew that Tully had to chime in eventually.
Is there evidence showing that the International House of Pancakes attracts tornadoes?
13 Tully
November 29, 2007 @ 2:59 am CETNo, but syrup floods have been observed.
14 びっくり
November 29, 2007 @ 3:50 pm CETThis reminds me of when we were going to put the official Texas state motto, “The Friendship State”, on the license plates. People complained that it sounded like something they’d say in Kansas. Next thing you know, the Kansas politicians were complaining about Texas denigrating their great state.
Why being friendly was considered insulting by people in Texas and Kansas I will never know, but in the end we put “The Lone Star State” on the plates; which is what everyone thought the state motto was anyhow.
15 fightingwindmills
November 30, 2007 @ 3:36 am CETOh my! You all are funny. LMFAO!